3. Confucius said, “One will never be a gentleman if he does not understand destiny.  He will never get established if he does not follow the rites.  He will never judge people if he does not understand their words.

His first point, reminds me of how my wife often talks about living in the present as well as in listening to her body.  She does what she wants and always has a positive attitude and this seems to carry her to great places.  This is something I can learn from.

Master Kong’s second point I find interesting.  A part of me likes the idea of being able to follow certain rules or rites that will help us in getting established.   Recently, I’ve realized that I like having order and structure in my life and having certain guidelines can help one feel established.

The last point, I agree with and personally struggle with.  In dealing with others understanding their words is essential.  Words are extremely important in both spoken and written forms.

Now I write to you, 2 months after we initially applied, and with the image of the visa in my wife’s passport that says, immigrant.  My whole feeling on the word immigrant has changed dramatically.

So what have I learned in this process that I think may be of help to anyone else who wants to bring their Chinese wife to Canada?  In my opinion (as I don’t know for sure) here are some of the things I think we did well.

Be Honest

Our marriage was genuine.  We got married before the process started.  But we had been together for almost two years before this and had known each other for almost three years.  Having a genuine relationship may seem like a no brainer, but I think it’s the only way to go.  In the newspaper, I have read some tragic cases trying to cheat the system.  And I realize that the system is as thorough as it is because they want to catch such fraudulent cases.  Start with the truth and things will likely work out.  Start with a lie and things will also work out, though differently.

Talk to people who have done what you want to do

I have found lots of people tried to give us advice on what we should do.  And I realize that their heart was in the right place.  The only problem was most of these people had no idea what they were talking about because they had never gone through the process.  Most of these people told me to “get a lawyer” or to “talk with an immigration consultant”.  When I asked my friends who had gone through the process they said, “Do it yourself,” and the funny thing was: he’s a lawyer.  Like most things in life, ask and listen to those who have done what you want to do.  Ignore the others who will talk without knowing what they are talking about.  (I could be one of these people, so don’t simply trust me.  Instead read the next point.)

DIY - Do It Yourself

Now this worked out very well for us, but I also realize that we had a simple case: it was both our first marriages, we had no other dependents coming over, and I had a decent job in Canada to be able to financially sponsor her.  And I know every case is different, but I think for us it actually helped that we did it ourselves.  I think the Canadian government website, while at first was a little intimidating, was very helpful and had all the information that we needed in order to fill in the applications.

Also, a website that I found in Canada that was helpful for me to understand the general process and to get an expected timeline was RoadtoCanada.com .  Great site for Canadian English speakers.

During the process, my wife found a great website in China that could help with everything from understanding the process to even giving you the frequently asked questions in an interview.  This website is called Canadameet.com This site also seemed to be a great support system for my wife as she could ask questions (in Chinese) and get answers from others going through the same process.

Expose Yourselves

Both my wife and I decided early on that we would show the immigration officers everything we had that proved we were a genuine and loving couple.  At first this seemed an bit intrusive.  Why should I have to show my intimate love letters?  But then I figured if this person is the only thing standing between my wife coming to Canada, so I will show them everything, whatever it takes, to make this happen.  We ended up giving in almost all the original letters and cards we had written over the two years.  Plus we sent in all the relevant emails - the juicier the better, I figured - and even sent in a copy of all our Skype calls.  Photos were sent in, clipped together in logical bundles (again my wife did this).  She also wrote nice little comments on the photos with sticky notes explaining what was happening and who was involved.  I think it’s better to show more than less.

Be Organized

My wife did most of the work during the process, so I was very fortunate.  I think the Applicant also has more of the work to do.  Still I really think the way she organized our files was very logical and easy for the immigration officers to review our stuff.  We used plastic envelopes to group our stuff with labels on the front to describe what we had.  Also, like I mentioned above, we had photos in clipped together with paper clips, to make it easier to flip through.  Plus when my wife wrote the details of how our relationship blossomed she was able to refer the reader back to the appropriate folder or package.  I think this worked for us and I recommend it for you.

Control What You Can Control

Remember the permanent residency process can be a long one and so plan for that as best you can.  At times it was stressful, simply waiting and checking the website for any updates.  Other times I felt like I had lost all control over the process and was at the whim of the government officials.  Then my wife said, “why don’t we control what we can control?”  She recommended we plan a trip back to China in the summer for two weeks.  So regardless of what happened with the PR process that we would control when we could see each other.  This was simple and I thought brilliant.  Because we were able to have something to look forward to that was in our control

We were fortunate to have a lot of things work for us.  But I think we also put in some work up front and during the process that helped.  I wish you all the success in your journey.

Yi Lu Ping An.

A long time ago I had this sensation pass through me as I was standing outside a McDonalds crossing a dangerous street in Haidian, Beijing.  At the time I felt lost as I had come to China to find myself only to discover that my problem had come with me.  My problem was me.  You can read that post here. My thoughts at the time were that it was possible to find yourself anywhere in the world and taking some time and reading some great books could help.   A reader commented brilliantly…

I have to disagree with you, though, on finding yourself. I think the reason you can find yourself in another place is precisely *because* you are still there, but your other influences (friends, family, culture, work) are not. You can more clearly see what is you and what is not when you see how you are in a different environment.

So I say to those who want to find themselves: Travel, and read some books while you’re there!

Now that I’m back in Toronto, and again lost, I have to agree with these comments.  I believe it is easier to look at yourself objectively when you are in a new environment; when you can act strange and different; when you can try new things; experiment with you life and no one really cares.  But now I surely cannot do this, can I?.  As I’m back in Toronto and there are some cultural norms and beliefs that I must follow; that I should do; that are required of me.  Aren’t they?

Again, I realized that the problem and the solution are both within me.

While it may be easier to do those exciting, crazy and wild things while you are living abroad in a foreign country, there is no reason why this can’t be done anywhere.  Can you and I be brave enough to do this crazy stuff like follow your dreams and desires; chase your passions instead of the pennies; fail in front of your friends and family and have the strength to stand up again, dust yourself off and keep going?

Yes, you can see clearer in a new environment.  You are seeing a lot of new things and you’re mind, heart and soul are more open than their guarded normal back home self, so it’s easier to see a new side to the same old you.  But again I believe and am hoping to prove that this can be done anywhere.  How?

Do something different.

By shaking up your routines, you feels alive.  By doing new things you may find yourself closer to your passions.  You’ll see new things and possibly new sides to yourself.  Maybe you’ll find love through your actions.

From the words of the great poet, philosopher and song writer Dave Matthews…

“…Look
Here are we
On this starry night staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust
Lying down here
What point could there be troubling
Head down wondering what will become of me
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
Time is short but that’s all right
Maybe I’ll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
Everything must end some time
Don’t burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I’m saying open up
And let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you’re dancing on the ground
Don’t think of when you’re gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it
There are bad times
But that’s ok
Just look for love in it”

To start is the government of Canada website.  The first is from Citizenship and Immigration Canada.

This site provides all the necessary forms and information.  To be honest, when I first went on I thought the whole process was overwhelming.  But the more often I went on the site and especially after printing off all the forms and going through them, I now feel a lot better.  I guess it’s the same with anything, the more familiar you are with it the more comfortable you become.

My wife and I have decided to try and do this ourselves to start and this site does a good job of laying out the process and the steps that need to be taken.  Also, I really like the checklists included in the packages to confirm all the steps that are needed.

The second site I’d like to share with you is the same as the title of this post, RoadtoCanada.com. The community forums on this page are outstanding.  There is so much information here it is a gold mine.  It’s great to read about the success stories from people who have done what we want to do.

If any of you are going through the same process as we are I wish you the best of luck and I hope these sites can help you in your future adventure.

Looking back I’m still a bit shocked that we were able to do it.  We had only a two week vacation in order to get married. And we had already planned a  nine day trip to Bali in the middle of our vacation so our two weeks ended up being about 5 days.  In talking with my friends and in looking online it seemed that to marry in China would take anywhere from 7 days to a month or longer.  We weren’t sure this was possible.  To add to the challenge, my wife’s hukou (residence permit) was not in Beijing but in Inner Mongolia.  This meant we’d have to fly there to get married.  On top of this I wasn’t even sure all the documentation that was needed to marry in China.  Reading websites it looked like I needed a Singles Certificate translated into Chinese and possibly other documents.  Companies in Canada were offering to do this for me for $1,000 to $2,000.  This seemed insane for only a few pieces of paper.  Still all these things added a lot of stress to my life and lowered my hopes of being able to marry.

Then I learned one invaluable lesson:

Things are usually a LOT easier than expected when I ask my wife for help.

So what is the process to for a Canadian to get married in China?  How did this Canadian marry the most beautiful girl in the world in less than 5 days?  Here is the process we had to follow to get married in Inner Mongolia, China and I’d guess if it worked in the outreaches of China then this process would also work for bigger cities such as Beijing or Shanghai.

1. Get a Singles Certificate - this is a document that proves you’ve never been married or that there is no impediment for you to marry again (such as still being married).  You can get this document as well at the Canadian Embassy in Beijing (search “Marriage in China” and it’ll tell you the times and what you need).  When my girlfriend called and asked the process they said it would take 15 minutes and all you needed was your passport and some money.  And it actually did take me exactly 15 minutes and that included me incorrectly filling in the form three times.  The Embassy office for this document was only open specific days (Tues & Thurs) and for us we went on a Tuesday after 2pm.  It cost $50 CAD or about 310 RMB.

Another key lesson learned is that things change quickly in China so it’s a good idea to have your future wife/husband to call the Embassy beforehand to see what the current process is.

2. Get your Singles Certificate Translated - The Embassy in Beijing does not translate for you so you’ll have to get this done elsewhere.  Fortunately there are many places that provide this service with fast turnaround times.  The one we used was in Jian Wai SOHO called Beijing RDT Translation Co.  They translated our Singles Certificate in two hours with the official chop (stamp) for 150 RMB or about $25.

3. Bring your passport to the Marriage Registration Office - Since my wife’s hukou is in Inner Mongolia we had to fly there to get registered.  But the process there seemed fairly straight forward.  I didn’t do much as my wife handled all the forms, documentation and tipping where necessary.  I was simply present, nervously moving from room to room wondering if we’d actually be able to do this.

Finally, they brought us into the picture room where we had our photo taken and got our marriage books (looks like a cross between a passport and a bank book) and I love it.

4. Get a Notarized Certificate - This is probably a good idea to have as it’s a notarized document translated in English and Chinese stating the details of our wedding particulars.

So that was the process for us.  Again, I highly recommend you call the Marriage Registration Office and or Consulate/Embassy beforehand to get the up-to-date information on what is required before you go.  And remember to ask your wife for help and it probably isn’t as difficult as you think it’d be.

Best wishes.

Sincerely,
A Happily Married Canadian.

Actually, there are few things I have done in the past 8 months that have felt as good as getting this visa.  I know it sounds strange.  How can waiting in a government office to get a document with huge lines be a good thing?  It was.

When I first arrived at the Chinese consulate in Toronto I was early.  The office opens at 9am and runs until 3:30pm.  My plan was to get there before nine to beat the crowd.  By 8:45am there was already a line up outside.  Still it felt good to be in this line.  A few minutes before nine they let us enter the building.  My body was on edge as it always is when I enter a Chinese governmental building.

Inside the building reminded me of any Chinese post office or police station or university.  It was sparsely decorated; with many wickets and windows and only a few tellers; I could almost feel a draft coming from the poorly insulated building.  But I loved it.  I was surrounded by Chinese people mostly speaking Mandarin and for a second I felt like I was back in China.  It felt great.  Looking at the few pictures on the wall and seeing a beautiful bridge from the Summer Palace, knowing that I had taken a similar (but not so nice) picture of that same bridge, was exciting.  The kicker for me was the flat screen on the wall that was playing CCTV 4.  Was this ever a treat.

Can you tell that I miss China?

Soon I’ll be back into the land of food.

The point of this post was actually to give some tips if you need to get a visa from Canada.

Before this I do want to mention how impressed I was with the speed in which they processed visas.  Now most of the people in the line, myself included already had the form filled out (you can download it from the website), already had a photo attached and all we needed was to drop it off.  The 10 people ahead of me were processed in about 15 minutes, which seemed shockingly fast.  Now to pick up the visa, normally it takes a few days, but you can pay $50 extra to get “same day” service.  Which means you can pick it up at 3pm (but before 3:30pm).  This was what I did.  And again it was very efficient.  By the time the wicket opened at 3pm, I was about 15 people deep and again it only took about 20 minutes.  Shockingly quick compared to my experiences at the Canadian embassies.

As for tips for getting a visa I’d recommend:

- Arrive early 8:45am and you’ll be out early

- Have everything ready: print off and fill in the form, have your picture ready, bring your passport, bring cash ($75 for a double entry visa + $50 for same day service).

- If you want same day service note that you can only pick up after 3pm which can shoot your day if you’re there at 8:45am and again at 3pm, like a split shift.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised at how quick and painless the process was and I was overwhelmed by those little things I miss so much about China: minimalist decor, a mass of people and CCTV.  Someone even let a great hoark to clear their throat.  This made me miss Beijing even more!

Through Tai Ji Quan I am not only learning the martial art, but also learning to listen to my body more, learning about Daoism and learning about Chinese culture.  Also, I am learning how to teach and learn a new skill.

As a teacher by passion, I really enjoy the way they taught us Tai Chi and I think there are some great lessons one can use to learn or teach any skill.

First, some background.  Tai Chi has 108 movements.  It is a slow and beautiful martial arts routine.  There is a balance between opposing forces in most of the movements.  Also, there are a lot of things you can think of when doing Tai Chi, but I find it usually works best when I stop thinking and simply let my body flow.

The toughest part for me was in learning the entire set (and this is still a challenge for me).  But I think the way they teach it is a great way to learn any skill.

The Teaching Process

We start at the beginning, the opening of Tai Chi, and then move on to a few more moves.  So in week one we may have learned the first 5 moves.  Then the next week we start again at the beginning, the opening of Tai Chi, continue through the moves we learned the prior week, the first 5, and then learn a few more say up until 9.  Then the next week again we start at the beginning, the opening of Tai Chi, and continue on and on.  This goes on until we could do the entire 108 moves.

So why do I think this is a great way to learn?

You learn in small chunks. I find it difficult to take in and digest too much info.  Learning in small bit size chunks is easier for me to learn and easier for me to remember.  Also I found that later I may not remember the whole routine, but I could remember a lot of the chunks and slowly start to combine them.  I think this is similar to learning a language where we learn pieces and phrases and slowly are able to combine them.

You review weekly. I have read somewhere that a weekly review is vital to putting something into long term memory.  Like most things you use it or you lose it.  So it goes with memory.  This weekly review also builds up muscle memory so that your body can react without thinking (or so I’m told).

You do it in a group.  Doing it is always funner in a group.  Same goes for Tai Chi.  There is an electric feeling of doing Tai Chi in a group.  It’s great to be able to look at others to be your guide, but also there is a connection that you can feel with and the energy between each other.

Most importantly, for me, is that you learn by doing.  I love this type of learning as it works best for me.  And by learning through doing I find there are other benefits such as you forget that you’re learning as you have so much fun doing the skill.  Sometimes in the middle of the routine I remind myself that I’m actually doing Tai Chi.

Some other tips I have been trying to use while learning Tai Chi are:

• Enjoy being a beginner - it’s okay to know nothing.  Have fun with that awkward feeling of being terrible at something and knowing that that’s what it means to be learning something new.
• Practice your new skill - the more you practice any skill, the better you get at it.  Perfect practice makes perfect.
• Do what you love - for me I love learning and doing Tai Chi.  This may not work for you, but there are many other things you can do that you love.

I hope you can do what you love with the one or ones that you love.

But the real reason of this post is to talk about a strange phenomenon that I believe is related to reverse culture shock (re-entry shock): that is my avoidance in getting in touch with old friends.

The reason I think this is part of reverse culture shock is that I remember it happening to a friend of mine in China.  He is Chinese and he had a friend return from studying overseas.  But when his friend, Lola, returned to Beijing she spent months alone with her folks.  It took months before Lola called up my friend to re-establish her old friendships. Even though I don’t know Lola I feel I can relate to how she felt.

When I first returned I didn’t feel like re-engaging my old friends.  A part of me felt like I should have done more with my four year overseas experience; traveled more; studied more; experienced more. Also that they had probably moved on with their lives while I was away so would I still fit in?  Would they still be interested in a relationship?

Fortunately, I had one good forcing strategy and that was I decided to share an apartment with an old friend of mine.  This forced me to re-engage with someone.  But other than that I haven’t done a great job.

So my task for August is to get back in touch and to truly savour my time here in Toronto.

Reading some of the tips from the links above I realize that my re-entry plan has had mixed results.  On the one hand I hadn’t planned on missing China so much.  I miss a lot about China: the excitement, language, culture, food and of course my girlfriend.  Also, I don’t have a lot of people here that I’ve been able to share my experiences with.  This lack of interest of your overseas experience is a common frustration of people re-entering a culture.  I find whenever someone asks me about China I light up and spew out as much information as they can take in and often times more than they can take in.  On the other hand, I think I did well to keep busy initially to keep boredom away.  I had signed up for adult education courses to keep busy, as well as a full-time job search, with interviews and eventually a successful outcome.

Funny too, that I was even able to find out some new things to try since returning that helped me bridge the cultural gap and that was signing up for beginners Tai Chi.  This has been a fantastic addition to my regular routine.  It’s nice to be able to get this taste of China weekly.

So remember, culture shock will hit you both coming and going.  So if possible try to plan for it to ease the discomfort.

Ever since I returned I’ve had a strong feeling of wanting to continue all the great habits and feelings that I had developed in China. Actually, my big fear was that I didn’t want to lose the person I had become in China; I didn’t want to revert back to the guy I was before I had left for China.  All the amazing experiences, the people I had met, the things I had done, all these things I didn’t want to lose.

Not wanting to lose the person I had become

When I first returned I was afraid of becoming the “same old Matt.”  I didn’t want to become that guy.  To be honest, I didn’t like him very much.  The person I had become in China was someone that I truly enjoyed being.  It was the person that who did things; who set and achieved goals.  The person who loved adventure and travel.  Also the guy who found his passions in reading, writing, learning and teaching.  A person who made time for things important in his life.  A person who did things that he liked, with the people he liked, when he liked.

Since returning I have been working hard at continuing the habits that made me the person I liked, but I’ve felt pressure to revert back.  It’s funny that the sources of the pressure to change back to the “same old Matt” were coming from sources I hadn’t expected: my close friends and family.  They wanted the “same old Matt” to return.  They wanted the guy they had known before.  The simple, straight forward guy.  They seemed disappointed that I had changed.

But I guess this is normal.  We are changing all the time although most of us don’t notice this.  When I think of my friends I think that I “know” them.  But in reality I still think of them being the same guy as they were four years ago.  They too have changed.

And in reality I needn’t have worried about reverting back to the “same old Matt’ as I’ve learned that it’s impossible to go back to the person you were before.  Even though I’m back in the same exact place where I had lived before, doing a similar job I am now a different Matt a more experienced Matt a better Matt (and an older Matt).  It was silly for me to worry, but also silly for me to think that I could be China Matt here in Canada.

Just as it is impossible to revert back to an older version of yourself, I also think it is impossible to remain the same person.  Everyday we experience life or life experiences itself through us.  This changes us in tiny ways.  Over time we become different people.  I cannot remain the same person that I was in China.  I will have to change.  I will have to grow.  But, I can remember the small things that I think I was doing right in China and work hard to continue to do them.

And when I started up my positive China habits here in Canada I really felt better.  Some of these were

• To have a positive morning routine (reading a chapter of a book, reading finance blogs, news, doing logic puzzles)
• To have a weekly plan to schedule important things in my week and to review the lessons I’ve learned each week
• To keep reading (this is almost an addiction at this point)
• To keep learning (I’m looking to join Toastmasters in Canada and I joined a beginner Tai Chi class)
• To learn new physical skills (signed up for hockey power skating)
• To keep writing (I’ve been lazy here, but will try to change that)
• To keep up my relationships (for scheduling time for things important in my life, my girlfriend, my family and my friends)
• To stay active and enjoy the outdoors (by running outside in the park at least two times a week)
• To do more things that bring happiness to my life
• To stop wasting time on things that don’t bring me happiness (like watching TV)
• To enjoy life every day

These are some of the great habits that I’ve learned or developed from China.

I will try to continue the good habits that I had developed and to keep growing with an open mind and open heart.

“Looking back, I can see how my fears and hopeless attitude with regard to the future were wrong.  Fear is the great destroyer of happiness, and most fears are unjustifiable.”  Dr. Norman Bethune.

When I first arrived in China and spoke to locals, when they found out I was Canadian they automatically said one of two names: Da Shan (Mark Rowswell) or Bai Qiu En (Dr. Norman Bethune).  Da Shan is a Canadian known as one of the first fluent Chinese speakers/entertainers and as he is still working in China it didn’t take long to get to know about him.  But Norman Bethune was someone I knew little about and was at first surprised how every Chinese person seemed to know more of this Canadian than I had.

Over the years, I pieced together some information about Dr. Norman Bethune: he went to China to help the Red Army against the Japanese; Mao wrote something about him so all Chinese memorized his words; Dr. Bethune died in China.  Sadly, that was about all I knew this amazing man until I picked up the book Extraordinary Canadians: Norman Bethune by Adrienne Clarkson.

His story, his bravery and his sacrifice are remarkable.

He was a doctor, artist, poet, philosopher, social worker, innovator and sounds like a stubborn man and a martyr, having died helping others.  It’s true he went to China to help provide medical service during the war against Japan.  Before that he was in Spain during their war against Fascism also helping medically inventing the first mobile transfusion unit.  Also it was enlightening to read about his political stance, being a communist (I think socialist is probably more appropriate) who believed in individualism.  He loved helping people get healthy as it is good for everyone.  I loved reading about his stubbornness and how he did what he believed was right regardless who he upset.

A friend once asked me why the Chinese loved or respected him so.  My understanding is he was loved because he traveled so far away from his home to help foreign people in a completely selfless act and gave his life doing so.  He didn’t do it for money or fame.  He gave his all because he felt that was what he needed to do.  He gave the greatest sacrifice, his life, dying of blood poisoning at the age of 49.

His story, his writing and his life were moving for me.  Clearly I still have more I would like to know of this great man.  And I highly recommend this book or any book on Dr. Norman Bethune.  I think his story is a must read for any Canadian, especially ones who are living or who have lived in China.  His sacrifice helped open doors and hearts for Canadians in China.   He truly was an extraordinary Canadian.